News!

The Queen is Down-ing!

Tobimaru Yamomoto takes out the prestigious Downlow award, with some unlikely regicide.

The Queen is dead, long live the Queen.
Tobi, of room 307, won the overly large Downlow trophy at last night's Sports Dinner for his coin-swallowing antics.
Pictured centre here, just hours before the incident, his evil grin belies the inner hatred he must have bore towards the monarchy.
Speaking today in an exclusive interview within the lush and stylish offices of the Whit editorial HQ, Tobi was without remorse regarding the royal attack.
Asked whether, if he had the chance, he would do it all again, he casually commented, "Next time I do, I'll try and swallow."
Many have congratulated Tobi, and no doubt all readers have had to make that agonizing decision at least once in their lives: "Which end do I want this to come out of?"
Jo and Paynie took home the sports trophies which was about as surprising as the sun coming up this morning, but the evening was a general success.

Whitley's Top Pundits Have Their Say:

Mustacheo Whitley
"It was the right choice. Tobi is fool, and fools must die. The prize is death, right?"

George Washington
"This was exactly the manner in which the colonies overthrew the monarchy in 1776 and declared US independence."

The Whitley Art Room
"Use me! Please just use me! I'll be your Queen, I'll be your Tobi, I'm yours!"


Springtime For Hepner

Jacob Hepner, the college’s much vaunted previous food rep, has narrowly avoided $75 public nudity fine this week after it was revealed he actually was wearing clothes – just very tiny ones.
After an extensive investigation, a team of crack journalists from the Whit (not, as widely reported, a team of journalists on crack) was able to establish the existence of the clothes, using an electron microscope.
“I’m thinking of heading to Brunny to buy a new pair of stubbies,” he was heard to say before the incident.
“These shorts are just too long.”
Those present who witnessed the allegedly “too long” shorts would be tempted to disagree.
The problem, it seems, is summer. The approaching sun is bringing happiness to all and much baring of winter-white skin.
Residents are advised to be on the lookout for naked students pretending to be Hepner in shorts in an attempt to cheat the system.

Editor's Rant

Welcome foolish mortals, once again, to the Whit.
It's been a quiet couple of weeks, or at least that's what you'd gather if this frivolous and news-devoid publication was your only window into the Whitley world. Which I trust it isn't.
For this issue we've kept in all the gold from previous issues and piled on more - a lot like what global governments are trying to to do to the economy. Yes, that's right, the added page this week is my contribution to the nationwide injection of excess captial. Only funny.
If you don't find the Whit amusing enough for your tastes, or want it to come out more often, then CONTRIBUTE! I'm always looking for pretty much anything. A few sentences or drawings will do.
Until next time, happy toilet use!